Who I am?

Does anyone actually read my blog anymore? I know I haven't been the most dedicated blogger in the world and that is part of the reason I've lost my "readership." Even if no one reads anymore, this blog does serve one good purpose I suppose: For me to vent.

This July I will turn 25 years old. That really isn't a bad thing. I don't feel old, nor will I when July 28 rolls around. In fact, I sometimes feel like I need to "grow up." The significance of turning 25 in about four months though is you do realize that the time to really "explore" yourself and the world around you is starting to dwindle. I have been teaching now for nearly two years and at the end of this year will have my full license. Even though I like my job, I still often wonder "what if I had pushed myself more and gone for a career in law or in politics or in (insert job title here)." What if I had taken a risk and gone to a college outside the state of Iowa, or a larger college like the University of Iowa? Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my current state. Other times I'm content with where I'm at knowing that I really wouldn't be happy living in Washington D.C. away from family/friends working in politics. Sometimes I feel like the reason I'm not in a different place, doing a different job is because I'm not talented enough or don't push myself. Other times I know deep down inside that I could do whatever I want because I am smart enough and able enough. Sometimes I feel like I'm just treading enough water to stay afloat in my current job and that the other teachers and the administration must look at me like "will this kid survive?" Other times I know that my colleagues look at me and say "for being young and new to the profession he is damn good."

If you are catching my drift here, I just have a very obscure view of how I see myself. I look around at friends with nice possessions (house/apartment, furniture, clothes), looking all grown up, and happy with their relationships and then I view myself: single and looking like one of my students most days. When in reality I know that some probably look at me thinking "he's good looking, why doesn't he have a girlfriend, he's a typical 24/25 year old making his way." I also think about friends or people my age who have done all this cool stuff in their lives. Gone on neat trips, etc. and who don't seem worried about money. I wonder why I can't do that or I wish that was me. Then I stop and think, some probably look at me and think about the trips I've taken, the things I've done and they say "that's some cool stuff." I also think, they are in the same boat as me money-wise most likely.

So you see, I do think positively of myself at times...what my problem is keeping that positive feeling and translating it into CONFIDENCE. In high school I was probably considered cocky. In college, a guy everyone liked and sure of myself. Now without a posse or anyone to really connect with, I'm lacking confidence big time. I don't like to go out alone. I go into restaurants to eat (usually getting takeout) but wonder what the register girl/boy/person or anybody else working/eating there think of this lonely guy coming in and getting KFC on a Friday night with nothing better to do. But I know that CONFIDENT person exists inside me. That talented person that could do anything. That person who says "you are great at your career now and it is awesome that your aspirations for a masters degree are excellent too, you are pushing yourself more than others your age/lot in life" is deep inside of me too. For some reason though, since moving to Marshalltown I've totally lost that person. He was hanging around alright last year, but now POOF---disappeared. I wish I could find him again. I wish I could get on a routine and get out more. Join the Y, find a nice church, etc. but I have phobia about going out on my own. I wish that I could look in the mirror and say "you are a successful 24 year old teacher who does a great job." I know others around me think it. My principal has said so...my students I can tell by the look in their face they think I'm the smartest man alive. The lady who teaches next door to me calls me the "guru." I just wish I could believe this stuff deep down inside rather than just hear it and say "yep." I think I know where to start and hopefully in the series of blogs about my deep down inside-self things start to change and that old, CONFIDENT me reappears.

Holy Crap

It has been a very long time since I last posted. What have I been up to lately? For one, basketball season has ended. First round loss to Eldora-New Providence in OT. It stings to come that close to moving on, but it also means my free time is pretty large right now. I do have one problem with that though: I'm not as focused as I was. I knew I needed to get stuff done during basketball season, now I'm like "I have time, no big deal." Number one priority right now in the teaching world is getting this portfolio done!

So what have I been doing with my free time? Actually watching more basketball! I've gone to a coupel of high school tourney games and went and watched an East Marshall AAU tournament this weekend (the other assistant with me coaches a team and I thought I would go check it out). This weekend I hope to watch a lot of basketball. The Iowa Hawkeyes have had a great season thus far and me and some friends from Lineville-Clio have decided to venture to Indianapolis to hopefully watch the Hawkeyes win the Big Ten Tournament this weekend. Should be fun, and a well deserved break after working hard the last few months.

Now on to the main reason I'm blogging tonight. Yesterday I was shocked, and today saddened by the death of former Minnesota Twin Kirby Puckett. I think sign number one that you are getting old (at least for boys) is when your favorite childhood ball player dies. Problem is Kirby died well before his time. 44 years old. My first baseball game was a Twins game. I remember describing it to my family that it was like a "dream" to see a Major League field. We sat in left/center field, Kirby played center. The Twins announcer (who I believe has passed away himself) would always really belt out Kirby's name when it was his turn to bat. KIIIIIIRRRRRRRBBYYYY PUUUCKKKKKKEEETTTTTT! Sent chills up my spine. I saw Kirby play multiple times after that, I just wish I could remember better if he hit a homerun or made an awesome catch. Even though I wasn't there, my best memories of Kirby came in the 1991 World Series. I stayed up well past my bedtime for all of those games, including talking the babysitter into letting me stay up for Game 7, which the Twins of course won! Game 6 though is where Kirby hit the home run to win the game...the television announcer belted out "We'll see you tomorrow night!" and Kirby pumped his fists coming around first, and all was good for a 10 year old who had made it his goal to get as many Kirby Puckett baseball cards as he could. Kirby ran into some problems toward the end of his life. He had to retire prematurely, his wife made some accusations against him and later got a divorce, and he was accused of groping a woman at a restaurant (which he was cleared of). All that aside, Kirby played the game the way it was meant to be played. When he was inducted into the Hall of Fame, I was overjoyed because of one person deserved it, he did. So here's to you Kirby, my boyhood baseball hero.