Who I am?
Does anyone actually read my blog anymore? I know I haven't been the most dedicated blogger in the world and that is part of the reason I've lost my "readership." Even if no one reads anymore, this blog does serve one good purpose I suppose: For me to vent.
This July I will turn 25 years old. That really isn't a bad thing. I don't feel old, nor will I when July 28 rolls around. In fact, I sometimes feel like I need to "grow up." The significance of turning 25 in about four months though is you do realize that the time to really "explore" yourself and the world around you is starting to dwindle. I have been teaching now for nearly two years and at the end of this year will have my full license. Even though I like my job, I still often wonder "what if I had pushed myself more and gone for a career in law or in politics or in (insert job title here)." What if I had taken a risk and gone to a college outside the state of Iowa, or a larger college like the University of Iowa? Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my current state. Other times I'm content with where I'm at knowing that I really wouldn't be happy living in Washington D.C. away from family/friends working in politics. Sometimes I feel like the reason I'm not in a different place, doing a different job is because I'm not talented enough or don't push myself. Other times I know deep down inside that I could do whatever I want because I am smart enough and able enough. Sometimes I feel like I'm just treading enough water to stay afloat in my current job and that the other teachers and the administration must look at me like "will this kid survive?" Other times I know that my colleagues look at me and say "for being young and new to the profession he is damn good."
If you are catching my drift here, I just have a very obscure view of how I see myself. I look around at friends with nice possessions (house/apartment, furniture, clothes), looking all grown up, and happy with their relationships and then I view myself: single and looking like one of my students most days. When in reality I know that some probably look at me thinking "he's good looking, why doesn't he have a girlfriend, he's a typical 24/25 year old making his way." I also think about friends or people my age who have done all this cool stuff in their lives. Gone on neat trips, etc. and who don't seem worried about money. I wonder why I can't do that or I wish that was me. Then I stop and think, some probably look at me and think about the trips I've taken, the things I've done and they say "that's some cool stuff." I also think, they are in the same boat as me money-wise most likely.
So you see, I do think positively of myself at times...what my problem is keeping that positive feeling and translating it into CONFIDENCE. In high school I was probably considered cocky. In college, a guy everyone liked and sure of myself. Now without a posse or anyone to really connect with, I'm lacking confidence big time. I don't like to go out alone. I go into restaurants to eat (usually getting takeout) but wonder what the register girl/boy/person or anybody else working/eating there think of this lonely guy coming in and getting KFC on a Friday night with nothing better to do. But I know that CONFIDENT person exists inside me. That talented person that could do anything. That person who says "you are great at your career now and it is awesome that your aspirations for a masters degree are excellent too, you are pushing yourself more than others your age/lot in life" is deep inside of me too. For some reason though, since moving to Marshalltown I've totally lost that person. He was hanging around alright last year, but now POOF---disappeared. I wish I could find him again. I wish I could get on a routine and get out more. Join the Y, find a nice church, etc. but I have phobia about going out on my own. I wish that I could look in the mirror and say "you are a successful 24 year old teacher who does a great job." I know others around me think it. My principal has said so...my students I can tell by the look in their face they think I'm the smartest man alive. The lady who teaches next door to me calls me the "guru." I just wish I could believe this stuff deep down inside rather than just hear it and say "yep." I think I know where to start and hopefully in the series of blogs about my deep down inside-self things start to change and that old, CONFIDENT me reappears.
This July I will turn 25 years old. That really isn't a bad thing. I don't feel old, nor will I when July 28 rolls around. In fact, I sometimes feel like I need to "grow up." The significance of turning 25 in about four months though is you do realize that the time to really "explore" yourself and the world around you is starting to dwindle. I have been teaching now for nearly two years and at the end of this year will have my full license. Even though I like my job, I still often wonder "what if I had pushed myself more and gone for a career in law or in politics or in (insert job title here)." What if I had taken a risk and gone to a college outside the state of Iowa, or a larger college like the University of Iowa? Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my current state. Other times I'm content with where I'm at knowing that I really wouldn't be happy living in Washington D.C. away from family/friends working in politics. Sometimes I feel like the reason I'm not in a different place, doing a different job is because I'm not talented enough or don't push myself. Other times I know deep down inside that I could do whatever I want because I am smart enough and able enough. Sometimes I feel like I'm just treading enough water to stay afloat in my current job and that the other teachers and the administration must look at me like "will this kid survive?" Other times I know that my colleagues look at me and say "for being young and new to the profession he is damn good."
If you are catching my drift here, I just have a very obscure view of how I see myself. I look around at friends with nice possessions (house/apartment, furniture, clothes), looking all grown up, and happy with their relationships and then I view myself: single and looking like one of my students most days. When in reality I know that some probably look at me thinking "he's good looking, why doesn't he have a girlfriend, he's a typical 24/25 year old making his way." I also think about friends or people my age who have done all this cool stuff in their lives. Gone on neat trips, etc. and who don't seem worried about money. I wonder why I can't do that or I wish that was me. Then I stop and think, some probably look at me and think about the trips I've taken, the things I've done and they say "that's some cool stuff." I also think, they are in the same boat as me money-wise most likely.
So you see, I do think positively of myself at times...what my problem is keeping that positive feeling and translating it into CONFIDENCE. In high school I was probably considered cocky. In college, a guy everyone liked and sure of myself. Now without a posse or anyone to really connect with, I'm lacking confidence big time. I don't like to go out alone. I go into restaurants to eat (usually getting takeout) but wonder what the register girl/boy/person or anybody else working/eating there think of this lonely guy coming in and getting KFC on a Friday night with nothing better to do. But I know that CONFIDENT person exists inside me. That talented person that could do anything. That person who says "you are great at your career now and it is awesome that your aspirations for a masters degree are excellent too, you are pushing yourself more than others your age/lot in life" is deep inside of me too. For some reason though, since moving to Marshalltown I've totally lost that person. He was hanging around alright last year, but now POOF---disappeared. I wish I could find him again. I wish I could get on a routine and get out more. Join the Y, find a nice church, etc. but I have phobia about going out on my own. I wish that I could look in the mirror and say "you are a successful 24 year old teacher who does a great job." I know others around me think it. My principal has said so...my students I can tell by the look in their face they think I'm the smartest man alive. The lady who teaches next door to me calls me the "guru." I just wish I could believe this stuff deep down inside rather than just hear it and say "yep." I think I know where to start and hopefully in the series of blogs about my deep down inside-self things start to change and that old, CONFIDENT me reappears.
posted by CKG at
11:29 PM
2 Comments:
Pretty deep thinking here, my friend! Here are my two thoughts in response to your latest blog entry...
1) The only difference between you and the friends you envy is your attitude/perception. You even say it yourself...many will (and do) look at you in awe. One of the best quotes I've ever read is from Chuck Swindoll... (it's a bit lengthy, so bear with me)
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes"
I have this quote posted in my room at school. I'm interested to hear your thoughts on this philosophy of life. Perhaps the "confident" you still lies within.
2) I've started to come to a realization that no matter how much "stuff" ( job, a spouse, material things, money, etc) I want, it will never be enough. I used to think that once I was married and had a teaching job I would be 100% satisfied. Since those two monumental moments in my life (securing a job and getting married) I still find myself "wanting" more...in the form of a better computer, a masters degree, a different place to live...the list goes on and on. I truly believe that there's only one THING that can fill that void and it is Jesus Christ. Perhaps it sounds cheesy, religious or "right wing," but it's the truth. I go in slumps (just as it appears you do), but only HE can fill the holes in my life. I could go on and on, but this is YOUR blog, not mine and I've already written more than I originally intended.
Looking forward to seeing you at the Bremwood 5K!
By
Matt Townsley, At
8:05 PM
Thanks for the comments Matt. You are right about attitudes and I wake up every morning and tell myself it is going to be a good day. It is tough in our profession when the students/parents/even other staff sometimes wake up with the opposite idea or just want to ruin your day.
In my original post, I said that I know how to "fight this battle" (if that's what you want to call it) and my plan is to get out more, BUT also do something you said. Build a better faith. Anyways, thanks for the message buddy. See you on the 8th
By
CKG, At
2:39 PM
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