It's that Time of Year

Well, school has started again. Today was my first day with students at my new school. I didn't really know what to expect going in. I knew class sizes were going to be bigger (and that can be both good and bad- more options but if it is too big tough to handle). I knew I had to brace myself for more kids who think that the world revolves around them and are just complete aholes to people. Lineville didn't have that problem. I did encounter some of this. I had to confiscate a cell-phone (why do they even bring them into school?) and had a couple give me looks of "I'm too cool for this." Despite that (and I expected it) I thought my first day went very well and better than those unknown expectations that I had going in. The principal even came up to me after school and said that he had "heard a lot of positive things" about me and my classes. Don't know if it was coming from teachers who overheard my rules and first day speeches or if it came from students. Either way, not a bad way to start. I think the biggest thing that will help me though this year though is the fact that last year I learned that not everything will go perfect. Knowing that simple little thing helps out a lot. Plan the best you can and do a good job teaching, but know that not every day will be perfect.

What still worries me though about this year (and for the rest of my career for that fact) is just my inner-thoughts about my teaching. When I heard the principal tell me that this afternoon, I felt really good for a few minutes. But then I started thinking, "even though I thought my first day went well, why did they think it went overly well. I messed up here and here." Or like last year when I left Lineville, people kept telling me that I did a great job and will be missed. Always nice to hear, but I often wondered "why do they think I did so well and I don't." I've realized over the course of the last few weeks when getting ready for school, attending meetings, and even going into personal life stuff (i.e. girls) that I may have record levels of self-doubt. I look at lessons and say "this isn't good enough." I look at other teachers and say "why can't I be more like that." I go out this weekend for a bachelor party and watch guys hitting on girls and wonder, "how come I can't come off so smooth." Thing is, people tell me "oh you do a great job teaching" or "you must be a real ladies' man, your so smooth." I keep hearing from people that I am what I would like to be, but I don't see it within myself. They say "good teacher" and I look into the mirror and see "someone who really fights to be decent." I don't know how I can gain more self-confidence, and I don't know why I struggle with myself on this issue so much. I just feel very uncomfortable at times. Which always makes me start pondering other jobs, a different lifestyle (going back to school). Part of me just wishes I could land a job working for the Hawkeyes in someway, one of the few subjects that I feel very confident in myself in. Heck, I don't even feel confident in Politics. Someone will argue something, I will rebut and even if that person tells me "good point, nice argument" I still feel like my point was mumbo jumbo not making much sense. I'm sorry I carry on with this but I do it for two reasons. 1) This is something that has been on my chest for a very long time and 2) Maybe someone out there can tell me what I'm missing within myself. Thanks for listening.